I'm new here. I'm 32 and been a member all my life. I never thought I would walk away from it or wake up from it. But here I am, inactive for a year now, testimony shot to hell, and I'm loving it. I love how free I feel, how regular choices no longer have the weight of eternity behind them.

Anyway. I was forced to meet my cousin at my wards chaple cause she was in a singles ward and I had to meet her to get a ride to my families house for a big dinner (oh the stress.). So I sat in the foyer half asleep, dressed in my punk clothes, un-showered, with three months of facial hair got a few looks) half listening to a high priest give a pompous talk to the YSA ward my cousin was attending. And he said and I quote:

"The only way for anyone to be happy in this life is to join us and follow heavenly fathers plan"

WTF. I don't want to get too personal, but I have suffered from suicidal depression since I was eleven/twelve. So what about us? what about those in the church who aren't happy (which I'm more and more convinced is everyone, they just plaster on the plastic smile)? I suffer from a fluke of genetics, that's all. But since my teenage years I have been made to feel that:

I'm depressed because of sin.

I'm depressed because I'm weak.

I'm depressed because Heavenly Father disproves of me.

I'm depressed because of a failure of faith on my part.

Above all I was made to feel that the depression was all my fault, That I some how brought it onto myself.

I was actually told out loud by others in the church That:

My depression was because of Sin (most general authorities at GC)

It is because I listen to evil music (punk is not evil)

It is because of disobedience (General authorities)

If I just had more faith in Jesus I would never be depressed (missionary Comps)

But mostly I'm told to stop being so down and think happy thoughts. I don't hide my emotions and I never wear the smile for them. I don't blame the church for my depression (both parents were depressed) But I do blame them for being wilfully ignorant to the issue of mental illness and I blame them for making a terrible burden that much more terrible. As I said I'm new here and new too this side of the wall, So any advise and encouragement is very much appreciated.

Hi Asile23,
Advice?
Just hang out here and over at something like PostMo, send some e-mails and PMs to a few new friends. During the time in recovery you might want to meet-up with a few like minded souls and then it keeps getting better and better. And if you need meds to help sort the real life you may just recently started to live, we admire you for taking the time and figuring it out.

Welcome again Asile!

_________________
God of Poly-Folly Folly

{ If you believe in things that you don't understand, then you suffer ~ Stevie Wonder }
.................. www.­tudou.­com/­programs/­view/­7Q0q-­Vv8sHQ/
.............. http://www.tudou.com/programs/view/7Q0q-Vv8sHQ/
.................. www.tudou.com/programs/view/7Q0q-Vv8sHQ/


God of Poly-Folly Folly

Welcome Asile23,

One of the most powerful things you can do against the church is to just be happy. Like you, I've heard that if you leave the church then you'll be miserable. People fear that and stay in.

Maybe what they fear is giving up the conditional love that the church provides and risking getting no love in return.

Advice? Don't be afraid to show that you are happy. Love unconditionally.

Peace

_________________
I resigned from the Church of THE Jesus Christ of the Latter Day Saints (Feb 2011)

"For nothing is secret, that shall not be made manifest; neither any thing hid, that shall not be known and come abroad." - Luke 8:17

Welcome Aisile23!

Its heartwarmimg to see that you have examined your life and see the depression in your life for what it is and just where it originated at such a young age. Sometimes parents pass on hurtful behaviors or lessons in life, not intending to hurt their chidren, it just happens.

Recognition of this process is a great step in correcting and ending the cycle, and yet, we at times allow TSCC to participate in enhancing the negative effect by our membership and unknowingly participate in the overall thought reforming process.

_________________
"When authority masquerades as a power, a simple question will unmask it."

"Just because you think, feel, or believe something is true, doesn't make it true!"

"The doubt of your faith, is not God testing you, but truth trying to emerge and free you."

Outer Darkness! Outer Darkness! There is no hope! All is lost!

Actually,
for being You, which is who You are, right?
Since you weren't actually participating in a service, they should have let you be.

I'm depressed because of sin.
- Your sins aren't that big! Look at what Joseph Smith and Brigham Young did!
I'm depressed because I'm weak.
- You are stronger than you realize. Look at what you have already done!
I'm depressed because Heavenly Father disproves of me.
- If by "Heavenly Father" you mean the Ming-the-Merciless-like Mormon God, yeah, okay, hope he has a nice day up there on Kolob or Mongo or whatever planet he's the dictator of, and his god doesn't make it rain on him.
I don't hide my emotions and I never wear the smile for them.
- Ahh, the "sin" of shameless Honesty. True-blue Temple-devout Mormons usually can't relate to that.

Somehow, either people who join cults, or people who are in cults, have a certain temperament. I was surprised once, sitting in a group of what many would call cultists, when asked how many had seriously contemplated or actually attempted suicide, to see so many hands raised. I don't know if that has something to do with that type of personality being most prone to seek utopian solutions, or seeking escape from depression through an other-world belief and life-style, or what. But it struck me pretty hard. I am pretty sympathetic when I hear someone in a religion (or cult) that has a lot of above average expectations, say they are "having problems". I guess one way to get beyond the feeling of worthlessness, or the depression, or the thoughts of self-harm, is to accept the fact that even if I believe in something 100%, I cannot expect myself to match its expectations 100%. So today, I just do the best I can, trusting that God or Heaven or Nature will take up my slack, not Judge me harshly. After all, we are all at least partly a product of Nature, so we must fit in. Mr. Rogers thought so: "I like you just the way you are." I've outgrown him now, but I try to practice that level of acceptance. (Yes even of Mormons as individuals.)

From Desiderata:
"You are a child of the universe, and whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the Universe is unfolding as it should." And you along with it.

Thanks for joining us, Asile23

Thanks. I appreciate the support. Fortunately I have a large group of non-member friends out here that give me a lot of support and encouragement. The problem is none of them were ever members, so although they are awesomely supportive, they don't fully grasp what I'm going through. Its a relief to hear the stories of others who are going through this.

Asile23, gotta keep in mind, that you are not alone here! There is a lot of forum strength to tap into here if you feel the need to...many shoulders to lean on, if needed ..

_________________
"When authority masquerades as a power, a simple question will unmask it."

"Just because you think, feel, or believe something is true, doesn't make it true!"

"The doubt of your faith, is not God testing you, but truth trying to emerge and free you."

From Brooke Swallow's facebook.

Welcome. Don't know your whole story, but I suffer from Clinical Depression, which is about brain chemistry, not depression from your attitude about the world. Depression is highly treatable. If you can see a doctor, a fairly simple test can determine your situation. I suffered all the time I was in the LDS religion and was suicidal at one point, so if you get to that stage, by all means seek help. Otherwise, realizing as you have the church is crap certainly will change your view of things.

_________________
"We establish no religion in this country, we command no worship, we mandate no belief, nor will we ever. Church and state are, and must remain separate."
Ronald Reagan

[quote="paladin"]... Clinical Depression, which is about brain chemistry, not depression from your attitude about the world. Depression is highly treatable. If you can see a doctor, a fairly simple test can determine your situation.... ]

Paladin,
I thought this was well stated.
Thank you.

I went through a depressive phase during college at BYU-Idaho. (Surprise, surprise!) During my third year or so, I went through a period where I was sleeping constantly and had recurring headaches (pretty common for depression.) I was living in an apartment with only one roommate who I really liked. The girl I shared a room with was actually from Rexburg. We were so horribly mismatched. She listened to church music all the time, while I gravitated to rock and rap.

So I was sleeping a lot and staying away from the apartment as much as I could. This led to me missing church for a stretch of a few weeks, one of which was Easter Sunday. One Sunday evening, the Bishop and his wife came by the apartment to just "say hi" and "get to know us." I was asleep when this happened, because of course they hadn't told us ahead of time that they would be popping by.

It wasn't long before I was officially called into the Bishop to have a chat with him. I was raised to be an obedient Mormon girl, and I sat across from him in his office to answer his questions. I believed that he was divinely ordained to be a guide for me. I told him that I had been struggling in Rexburg, since it's so different from the Seattle area I grew up in. The cultural shock was a challenge for me. I felt like I didn't fit in very well. I expected the Bishop to show me some sympathy, maybe give me some insight into how to get through this.

Instead, he proceeded to tell me that I had a "bad attitude" and that everything I was feeling was because I had refused to follow the Church's guidelines. If I went to church, I would feel like I belonged. If I stopped sinning, I wouldn't be depressed. Like somehow, if I stopped drinking green tea, all of the cultural problems I had with the Idaho church would just disappear.

At a certain point, I just shut up and stopped talking. I told him no more than he needed to know. I never met with him again. I played like I was happy. I moved out of his ward the next semester. He never called for a follow-up appointment. The next year, my depression only got worse. I started going to counseling (which helped a lot) and took antidepressants. Once I no longer needed an ecclesiastical endorsement to continue attending college, my church attendance went out the window. I stayed home and slept all Sunday long.

Then I graduated and got the hell out of Rexburg. Obviously, my issues with church persisted. But I was able to go off antidepressants.

Now I'm getting my Master's degree in Counseling Psychology. My understanding of depression is much better now, and I can see through the garbage reasoning that the church teaches its members about mental illness. I'm sorry you had to go what you went through. Anyone who believes that people would choose depression or that a loving God would punish someone so greatly, truly doesn't understand how depression works. I hope you are getting treatment to help you with this struggle, and I hope you find support in this community.

Lavender

_________________
"If Lions could think, their Gods would have a mane and roar." - Xenophanes

"Wow! So the Bible is really a trilogy, and the Book of Mormon is 'Return of the Jedi?' I'm interested!" - Elder Cunningham, The Book of Mormon

Welcome to "victim of religion 101"
Religion is about 3 things: guilt, judgment and condemnation.
Sin is a product of religion. Religion created sin. "Freedom" as defined by religion is freedom from sin. You are a prisoner only because they say you are.
You are not weak, you are human.
"failure of faith" is just condemnation. See above.
Your depression is forced on you. You are made to feel guilty because of a dogma and the people around you who judge you.
Honesty is the worst policy in religion.
Jesus, whether he existed or not, is a fabrication. He is a set of principles and so-called ideals postulated as a man. Different religions see him differently, so ignore anyone who uses him as a comparison to your behavior.

Mormonism is like a suit full of cockleburrs. You either are forced to wear it or force yourself to wear it, but when you remove it, the stinging and burning go away.

_________________
"We establish no religion in this country, we command no worship, we mandate no belief, nor will we ever. Church and state are, and must remain separate."
Ronald Reagan