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~Neither Sinner nor Saint, I am simply Myself~
~Je regrette rien~

"Do not meddle in the affairs of Dragons, for you are crunchy and good with ketchup"

Hi Sirnya. It's good to hear from you.

I'm seeing your answers within your own message. The idea of being with them makes you feel ill. They clearly haven't changed. Your Dad's e-mail is the red flag. If it wasn't for that, my thoughts might be different. And, that you don't feel they're sincere.

There is no absolute here, where replying to them means that they're right back in your life again. You can either not reply, in order to not encourage them to keep replying. Or, you can say, "I forgive you. I've moved on from those events. But I cannot be back in your life. We had a toxic relationship, which is not good for any of us. Be well. Be happy." Then you go back to your life.

Consider it to be a divorce. You may forgive your ex, but that doesn't mean you're ready to live with them again. Especially if it was an abusive relationship.

I understand missing them and wanting to be able to talk to your mother, as any girl does. But sometimes we miss what we wanted them to be and not the reality of who they really are. We hope time and again that they will change, but then they don't.

A friend of mine was always fond of telling me to always remember the phrase, "I forgive you for not being what I wanted you to be." That frees you by allowing you to forgive, so that the anger doesn't fester inside of you. But it also allows you to accept them for what they are, and not how you wanted them to be. And again, you can forgive, but that doesn't mean you have to let them into your life again. A toxic relationship is still a toxic relationship and isn't good any any of the parties involved.

Take care.

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"A mind stretched by a new idea can never go back to its original dimensions." - Oliver Wendell Holmes

Send em an iced cake with BOA link written on top.

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God of Poly-Folly Folly

{ If you believe in things that you don't understand, then you suffer ~ Stevie Wonder }
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God of Poly-Folly Folly

_________________
~Neither Sinner nor Saint, I am simply Myself~
~Je regrette rien~

"Do not meddle in the affairs of Dragons, for you are crunchy and good with ketchup"

Welcome back. I'm back too. When I left the church, my family pretty much disowned me. My wife's family disowned her as well, but there was little love there, since she was abused most of her life. I have always been a solitary person anyway, and my family lived far enough away that we didn't see them much, so the impact wasn't great.

Regret it? I never have. I regret the level of blind stubbornness they showed for not even looking at the materials I gave them, and I never felt a loss of anything. The freedom gained was far greater than anything I lost. You made the choice for a reason, and any realistic person would know there were consequences for your actions. If you can live with yourself in your decisions, that is all that matters.

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"We establish no religion in this country, we command no worship, we mandate no belief, nor will we ever. Church and state are, and must remain separate."
Ronald Reagan

I guess it should just be something simple. I definitely wouldn't meet with them. You already know what happens when it's the pile of them, against you. It gets pretty ugly.

It would just basically be, "Thank you for apologizing. I do forgive you. I can't live with you. We had a toxic relationship. I've moved on and I'm happy. But I do forgive you."

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"A mind stretched by a new idea can never go back to its original dimensions." - Oliver Wendell Holmes

Everything comes down to your personal wellbeing. If you feel comfortable around them being your natural self doing your thing without the need to tiptoeing around them then go ahead. However from your message I don't pick this kind of comfortability, but rather uneasiness and discomfort when being around with them. Unless you can be your true self around them and receive acceptance as you are there's no way for you to accept them back as important part in your life.

Sure tell them that the past is behind and you've forgiven them, but at the same breath tell them that you feel that you're better off without them as for them to be a part in your life would require them to accept you as you are unconditionally and that clearly isn't the case. Until they are ready accept you as you are I'd say its better to keep them at arms length to keep your own sanity.

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“You have your way. I have my way. As for the right way, the correct way, and the only way, it does not exist.” - Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche

Hi Sirnya, its been a while hasn't it? We were together with Insanad, Bill, Acoustic Autistic, Feyero, Abinadi, et al at the conference in SLC a couple years back....

Tough decisions are still around...but like Rain mentioned, the red flag is there, in the emails...seems not much has changed back home has it? Do what is good for you, not them. You're an independent young woman now, well into adulthood and don't need to drop back into any toxic codependent type behaviors that bring up bad memories from home...give it some more time, as the indications are that you might be setting yourself up for more abuse.

You don't need that.

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"When authority masquerades as a power, a simple question will unmask it."

"Just because you think, feel, or believe something is true, doesn't make it true!"

"The doubt of your faith, is not God testing you, but truth trying to emerge and free you."

One of the most difficult and most rewarding things I did was to forgive my Ex for all the painful things she did to me.
It didn't bring us back together... and that's ok.

It started as words ... which was basically making my intent known. The actual event(s) took a while. And even then, it's far too complex to get it all at one time and it's too dynamic to assume that new problems won't spring up (and they have).

But each time and in each way that I've forgiven I've let go of something that I was carrying around that weighed me down and sucked energy out of me ... and each time it's brought me peace.

So if it is fair to make a comparison between my divorce and your situation, I say that forgiving them is important to you. If/when you are able to do that, your relationship with them will be a different thing and maybe you'll want it more or maybe you won't ... don't shut out the possibilities now. Things will be different later. And I completely understand your statement "I don't want to see them" ... and I think that's your answer for now.

Peace

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I resigned from the Church of THE Jesus Christ of the Latter Day Saints (Feb 2011)

"For nothing is secret, that shall not be made manifest; neither any thing hid, that shall not be known and come abroad." - Luke 8:17

It is definitely good to hear from you. I have taken your absence from the Board as being a good sign: that you are living life on your own terms. Though there are times when a newbie posts and I see where you could give advice that I am long past being able to provide.

As Rainfeather has noted, you have provided so many of the answers to your own questions. I was torn on which answer to give you. Knowing what you went through and how upset it made me when I was reading your posts as it was happening, I was opting for the "no contact" answer. However, I ultimately chose the "give them a chance" answer. Though I must say it is with some caveats.

It doesn't sound like your parents (or at least your dad) have changed, particularly evidenced by your dad's email. Are they sorry that you are the patricidal daughter who rejected their faith? ...a daughter who has become so enculturated by our society that she ignores them and wants to kill them? What exactly are they apologizing for?

So with Bob home, does that mean that the Dick is also home? Even if you meet on neutral ground, it would need to be clear that the Dick's presence would be unacceptable (even in his weakened TB-survivor state). Then, what about Bob's presence? He has obviously become a means by which you can relay messages to your family. Could he play the role of mediator at any meeting with your parents?

While it was unfortunate that you and your little sister came to blows, I recall that it is losing your relationship with her (caused by those blows) that was most unsettling. You could hope that by Bob's intercession some of that relationship could be restored.

With Bob back, you seem to have a more direct conduit of relaying messages to your family. And he of letting them know how well you are doing without them. Send them a message via Bob. I could see you telling them that between you there is a gulf so wide that it will never be broached, so please no more communications about religion or politics. Until they can respect you enough to no longer foist their opinions upon you, meeting them is ill advised. Maybe I want to go back and change my vote?

Any relationship that you have with a TBM will, of necessity, be incomplete. You can never be totally honest and open with your feelings about TSCC. So many times I have had to refrain from displaying exactly how I felt about some of their ridiculous practices. You are lucky to have Bob. In my own family, the brother I am closest to is the least Mormon of them. We've gone out and had beers together, and recently he bought me a bottle of Scotch.

Regrets? Who are others to say that you would regret not having contact with your family. You can regret not having the relationship that others might have with their parents, but not that you do not have one with your own parents. I regret that I cannot have the same type of relationship that one of my business partner's has with his parents. Because my parents are so uber-TBM, the only way I could have so close a relationship would be to also be so TBM. And that is NOT going to happen.

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Tell my mother, tell my father
I've done the best I can
To make them realize this is my life
I hope they understand.
I'm not angry, I'm just saying
Sometimes goodbye is a second chance.
Shinedown, "Second Chance" The Sound of Madness