Hi,

I just joined .... out of morbid curiosity for the culture I find myself immersed in.

Does anyone have information or research pointers about the actual ritual or rite of posthumous baptism? What words will be solemnly cited over my death notice?

Same question about posthumous sealing (apparently you can be sealed to a mate after you're dead). It entertains me to think I might learn the words and bind (for all eternity) George W. Bush to Tammy Faye Baker and Divine (for aesthetics) and Reps. Barbara Jordon, Bella Abzug and Joan Rivers, Dr. Phil (for pure punishment). While I recognize this mix doesn't fit contemporary Mormon marriage practice, I figure I might as well get all the mileage I can get out of the the posthumous plural marriage concept! I only wish I could find the right planet to witness the fun!

I learned amusing synonyms for the first practice - "necro-baptism" and "dead-dunking" cracked me up. Any others?

CWilson Salt Lake

I'm in love with you allready. I do so love a wicked sense of humor.

I'll look for some of my posts on baptism for the dead and temple rituals but on MormonCurtain I think Infymus actually has the script wording of some of the blessings and rituals.

I wrote something a while back about wishing I could get my mom sealed to Benjamin Franklin. I figure if she has to have a man validate her, it may as well be one I'd enjoy in the family. I know he was a horny old goat but in Mormon heaven that's allowed and encouraged. He was excellent at the flirting thing and I too am an aspiring devotee of the art. I just think he'd be interesting.

They post-humorously baptized him and several of the founding fathers. I'll bet that went over well with them. Many of them were Unitarians. Gotta love that non-committal stuff. I said "Maybe, and that's final".

I'm so excited that you're here on this site. We can collaborate our wicked humor to really lay some stuff thick on the Mormon lurkers.

_________________


Pissing in the Mormon Koolaide one post at a time. LIE PINOCCHIO!!! LIE!!!!

Here's one on the baptisms for the dead that the youth do. It's just my experience from long ago, but most of it still applies:

Hey Dorothy and those interested, the old costume they made us wear when I was a teenager doing baptisms for the dead was made of either cotton or a sort of polyester fabric that would go totally see thru when wet. I can tell you, wearing colored underpants or the ones mom made from Gold Medal Flour was bad enough but to have all the scouts and priests lined up waiting their turn to get dunked for and in behalf of "Spanish name here" while us girls got soaked and then had to climb up the steps out of the font with our nether regions and nubile ta ta's poking through the fabric was mortifying.

You have the choice to cover your nips or sweep your hand across your southern hemisphere but there isn't a damn thing that can be done to hide the bum when you're trying to step out of the slippery pool. The elder or old geezer on the other side reaching out to grab your hand so you didn't slip got the tittilating thrill of watching the poor girls choose to either expose themselves as they grabbed his hand, or swash around and slip while trying to hold their arms over their bosoms and pubic area.

I thought I'd remedy this by not wearing any panties at all one time, but I can assure you, that one was talked about for months. Ano and Tano hadn't made an appearance yet so other than the ubiquotous mosquito bites, there wasn't much to get all ga ga over. I know for a fact that they would keep the temperature turned down for extra fun for the geezers examining the nubile ta tas or bajimbas of the young boys.

This jumpsuit either zipped with a horribly rusty metal zipper or buttoned with these huge buttons that would look like a sort of clown suit with yellowed buttons on the heavily bleached costume. If you didn't state your size correctly you either got one that was too small, crawling up the crack and pulling down at the shoulders and flattening the boobies (if you had them) or for the boys, making their bajimbas look like a little cameltoed wad of something, or on the odd occasion you'd get one too big and once it was wet it would hang on you and pull the crotch down to the knees, making you look like youd just been fixed into a funhouse mirror with an elongated torso and short stubby legs.

If the girls hadn't brought a change of panties and bra they had to wear the wet ones under their clothes home, unless they tried my tactic of going without (I don't recommend this).

Ya'll think I'm making this crap up but NOOO. It really happened and was mortifying. Then we were told that we had to memorize the names of the ones we baptized. I finally figured out that I'd baptized so many Maria Sanchez's and Josephina Morales's that I just needed to learn a couple and multiply it by however many times I was baptized. Turns out when the LDS took the records of the old Spanish settlements and towns through Mexico and other S. American places they'd come in and baptize the locals and give them a traditional Spanish name, but in some situations the name had to be purchased, so they'd use the same one over and over to keep from having to pay a tax on it or something, so therefore you have 9 families with Maria Sanchez and Jose Rivera.

I can get on a bender about the Baptisms for the Dead and I have some real sore spots there.

Something recently that has made me madder than a nest of hornets is that my ex will make sure on my weekends with our daughter that she has to interrupt it to go to the temple with her young womans group to baptize dead people. They leave at about 5:00 a.m. and come back around 9:00 on a Saturday but because she has to get up so early and usually works the night before, she's exhausted and of out of sorts the rest of the day. Since I only get to see her every other weekend to have some absolutely useless and ridiculous ritual interrupt our brief time together really makes me red hot mad. I get the whole guilt fest with the assertation that I'm trying to prevent her from practicing her religion by wanting her to spend the time with me instead of doing that stupid offensive ritual. BOY howdy does that thing piss me off.

I could go on and on about how awful it is that the LDS think they have the right to take the names of people who have no say in how their name is used and prostitute it for their own sick twisted religious ritual. I hope they get their proverbial legal arses kicked over the Catholic thing and more and more about the Jews. THey can pull their "Millenial Trump Card" all they want but it's still an offensive ritual and chaps my hide.

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Pissing in the Mormon Koolaide one post at a time. LIE PINOCCHIO!!! LIE!!!!

I couldn't tell you the word, they gibber them out as if it is a production line, between dunkings. It's even worse for the men, they get half drowned.
Probably some church official got a few sacks cheap, cut holes, got his wife to a bit of sewing, and sold them on.

Does Anyone have more detail than this?

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If I can paraphrase the blessing I recall that it goes something like this,

"Your name here", I baptize you for and in behalf of,
Mary Doe, who is dead, in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost, Amen. "
Then they dunk you completely. If even a wisp of hair or a
toe comes up you have to do it again. It's done in such rapid
succession that you barely have time to breathe between dunkings.

Most of the time you'd be given a list about 14-20 names long and the more names you were baptized for, the more righteous you were because you just saved their eternal soul by getting soaked in tepid water while a horny geezer watched your protruding anatomical parts (naughty bits) poking through the wet jumpsuit.
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I find this Posthumous baptism practice such a bizarre and obnoxiously self-centered prospect I want to assure I understand it before anyone hears my opinions as they may trend toward a disrespectful tone.

Any improvement on the above memory is appreciated!! Thanks to the nice lady for submitting it!

cfwabq55

Yur welkum, except the locals here have come to expect me to actually spell out TA TA'S and to use (anatomical parts) is really a dead give away that I suggested Ta ta's but it was edited. It's ok to say Ta Ta's because the guys on this site have special sex eyes and can glean a 9 page post in a nanosecond for the word Ta Ta's, which gives them the motivation to read the other parts of the text. Just say Ta Ta's.

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Pissing in the Mormon Koolaide one post at a time. LIE PINOCCHIO!!! LIE!!!!

Well, I do mean well.
The one time I went to do the baptism fer the dead -- It was pretty uneventful and boring. No TA here or lurkers at the LA temple. Kind of like going to girls gym.. Had to take a shower and put my clothes in a locker.

We kept hoping to see spirits on the other side of the font -- up in the empty benches where no one sat.

I feel robbed!

I had no idea mormons did this ...

Can I ask to put on a do-not-post-humous-baptize list? Like the do-not-telemarket list? I would hate to think one of my grand sons / daughters would baptize me into the church ... I guess the dead has no say in it!

What is the reason behind this practice?

The church teaches that in order to receive exaltation, a person must undergo certain physical ordinances. These include baptism, confirmation, the priesthood for males, the endowment, and celestial marriage.

Those who didn't have the opportunity to perform these ordinances in their lifetimes must have them performed for them by proxy in the LDS temples.

The church teaches that the person for whom the ordinances are performed will have the opportuinty to accept or reject the work done on their behalf.

Members are encouraged to search out their ancestors and do this temple work for them.

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Something is rotten in the state of Utah.

You're missing some stuff here.

During the 90's the Jews discovered what the Mormons were doing to the names of their ancestors who died in the Nazi holocaust and were so pissed off that they pressed the Church to discontinue the practice as well as canceling the ordinances that had been performed up to that point.

Further, within the last few months, the Catholics have decided not to allow the Mormons into their rectories to glean the membership and marriage records, birth and baptismal records when they discovered what the LDS Church was doing with these records. For years the LDS Church has been going into different Churches and microfilming the records, providing a copy to the local Church and send one off to Salt Lake for the purpose of doing their temple work for the dead without telling them what they were going to do with the records. From the outside it looked like this altruistic effort on behalf of the LDS Church. Effectively what was happening was they were saying, "Give us your records so we can baptize your members into our Church."

Not very forthright or honest if you ask me.

_________________
"The price we pay for the security we think we have is the life we could have lived."
"What you do shouts so loudly, I cannot hear what you say." Emerson
"The greatest risk is not taking one."

They also got caught again baptizing Jews---after they had agreed to stop the practice.

Definitely not very forthright or honest. What do you expect? They learned it from Joseph Smith.

michaela