I dun it!!! I really really dun it. 900 posts is the key. I, Dana Insana, am now a PROPHET!!! I can see clearly now, the brain is gone, I can see all odd-stackables in my way, ....

Crikey, what is the direction one should go once they've reached the top??? Does this mean I'm healed and have nothing left to offer and should sit sanctimoniously back and allow all to bask in my holiness? Do I get to wear purple robes and have studly Lamanite warriors fan me?

Does this mean I know everything because not long ago I was sure I was as clueless as a stump, but now that I'm a PROPHET I surely must have insight into the workings of none other than GOD THE FATHER and his son JESUS CHRIST, and their best buddy THE HOLY GHOST.

What should my first edict be? Should I command that all Ex-Mo's wear comfortable underwear and watch good movies?
Should I have press releases and play coy and evasive? Should I make blatant racist statements or maybe even start getting all uppity and think I have special rights that the lowly commoners couldn't possibly comprehend. I could start initiating virgin men, but I've had a virgin man and it was really not that thrilling.

As my various advisors, I would hope that you all could have a correlation meeting and help me come up with some impressive first NEW AND EVERLASTING COVENANT that will speak of the importance of my position, till someone points out the flaws, and then you all could brush it off by saying, "She was speaking as a woman,not as a prophet.".

Does this mean my flights and meals are comped?

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Pissing in the Mormon Koolaide one post at a time. LIE PINOCCHIO!!! LIE!!!!

Con-gratulations.

I second that most feloniously

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Jesus save me......[from your followers]

Well then, let me just say congratulations as well.
All I ask is when we have any sort of conference like GC, you ad a bit of humor in it. Those old men in the LDS always put me to sleep. And if you REALLY want me to be happy with your ascendancy, get some one in a different color in the twelve apostles and make those men actually something for once.
Oh and can I have my own island?

Well, Hon, Congratulations!
You will need a church seal-maybe something with a wreath of shoes and some Mormon tea. Maybe a credit card in the middle, or a drawing of the new mall you will build. You already have a rod and a staff, so we don't have to buy that. Since most of us are still recovering from the vast amounts of tithing we paid when we could ill afford it, your stipend will be small, but provided by a court of love to the end of your days. I think your first revelation should be a commandment to stamp out virginity and guilt. And we all should get ponies.
And I want to be the church patriarch. Not only am I the oldest one here, but the position is honorary so all the others would give me would be prestige. I would be able to lay my hands on the white and delightsome orbs of the daughters of Zion and the Sons of Men. Woo-hoo! There is something in this new dispensation for all of us!
And you need a song. Let's see:
"Hail to the Profit, descended to Las Vegas
Bishops may contact her, but pester her in vain.
Minions shall honor her with shopping expeditions
Millions shall serve Sister Insanad again!"

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The Devil in the White City

Ok, Thus it is done. Ponies, unlimited credit cards, Virgin fondling, and people of every color, male, female, and anything in between shall be in the holy of holies in the court of love of the church of "The Golden Rule".

My only commandments are that ya'll wear sunscreen and hats to prevent skin cancer, and no smoking near the temple or West of the Mississippi. Other than that, it's a free for all. I think this is going to be a good church.

Don't fret over the tithing thing. Non-profit status would make it imperative that no funds are collected other than to split the check fairly when we go to I-Hop. All Homages are to be in the form of shrubbery or quality flats of plants from my favorite Nursery in New Mexico that caters to SW landscaping. That and Pringles (Regular Flavor please).

Worship shall ALWAYS be in the form of worshipping your favorite lover or partner or wife, or girlfriend, or whatever is the most likely candidate in your life at the time and all praises shall be sung in Orgasmic tones that resonate with the cries of wild animals. Any burning in the bosom or nether regions shall be treated with Prilosec or a good yeast creme but at no time shall burning in the nether regions be blamed on the new and everlasting covenant, unless one is careless and random in their selection of worshipees, and then thou shalt repent and vow to be more selective.

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Pissing in the Mormon Koolaide one post at a time. LIE PINOCCHIO!!! LIE!!!!

WTF????? OMG!!!! My bosom is burning out of control!!!! 3-alarms!

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The Devil in the White City

Congratulations o ye devine Prophet! I verily prayeth my mortal strength remains adequate to the task of properly worshiping your devine Earthly form and that we may Hei to Kolob for eternity. My tithe to you shall be in the form of eternal love and devotion.

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Life is Short - Make Fun of It

And some shrubbery. The roses in front are dead and I think the heat killed all the perrenials. I shall welcome all your worshipful endeavors and up you one. (I'm not sure what that means but I think it could be dirty if we thought about it.)

Hie-ying to Kolob is always such a great way to start the day. Make love, not war. That should be the second commandment right after "Do unto others what you would have them do unto you.". They go hand in hand, or hand on thigh or ... well, you know how it goes,but they're good commandments. I wonder if the State of Tenessee would allow us to put our new commandments on a big granite monument in front of their State Capitol next to the Biblical ones?

Hey BABB, you wanna go to the new Disney/Pixar movie with the girls and I this weekend? Either that or the new Batman movie if it opens in Cedar. We could sit behind them and make out and embarass them. Or just go with them and that is embarassing enough.

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Pissing in the Mormon Koolaide one post at a time. LIE PINOCCHIO!!! LIE!!!!

I'm there! I'm up for it! Will I need to wear my Temple Robes in your presence? Oops, I thinketh my Temple Robes are the ones I sleep in and I probably shouldn't go to the movies that way.

BABB

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Life is Short - Make Fun of It

I'd iron them for you to get the wrinkles out but that might hurt. Maybe we could just eat enough movie popcorn to fill out the loose spots and then in our bloatyness we won't look so saggy. Hmmmm, that actually doesn't sound that good.

If you could get the road crusties off your motorcycle chaps I'd like to see you in those without benefit of jeans underneath. I know that's mostly a Gay porn thing, but it's still sort of hot. I promise not to publish the photos on the net.

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Pissing in the Mormon Koolaide one post at a time. LIE PINOCCHIO!!! LIE!!!!

Awwww c'mon....You can always shoot me a few photos by PM

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The Devil in the White City

Pale Ale, I've allready told you that you have to keep your gorgeous Man hands off my husband, and that goes for those big brown eyes with long lashes too. It's hard enough knowing that he's out there in a government job with all those single women in his office to drool over him, but now I fear that the guys will too.

What's really funny is that last night we were going through our vacation photos and BABB found that I'd edited a lot of the pictures of myself out and he was thinking of doing the same for his, both of us wondering why the damn camera can do such beautiful justice to the landscape but lies through it's sphincter shutter when re-creating our own images. It made us both look old and fat. I'm begininning to lose my trust in it. If it can lie about such personal things about age and weight, what else is it lying about?

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Pissing in the Mormon Koolaide one post at a time. LIE PINOCCHIO!!! LIE!!!!

[quote="insanad"]Pale Ale, I've allready told you that you have to keep your gorgeous Man hands off my husband, and that goes for those big brown eyes with long lashes too. It's hard enough knowing that he's out there in a government job with all those single women in his office to drool over him, but now I fear that the guys will too.

You flatter me-I am sure BABB would hardly be impressed with me, even if I were in the market.
But you have even the young bucks here in tow. You don't have to worry about Babb with those girls at work-those whores cannot stand up to your white delightsomeness. I have an idea you have some, shall we say, talents....?

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The Devil in the White City

Sorry, I am feeling particularly devilish today, also hoping to get promoted to priest with a few more posts. Must be the heat

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The Devil in the White City

A pox upon your iron! I know a much better way to get the wrinkles out.

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Life is Short - Make Fun of It

So Insanad....Have you settled yet on your favorite way of securing your place in history as prophet, seer and reviler? I mean don't all true prophet-esses/asses cash in early in order to be revered and canonized? Death by a thousand orgasms perhaps?

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Jesus save me......[from your followers]

Wow, that sounds like quite the way to go. I'm getting older so find that one or two good ones, followed by some butterfly things are plenty and then I usually just want to go to sleep. Call me a guy.

In my thirties though.... man, that's when stuff really kicked in. Zelph will take S. Idaho by the tail and swing it around till it's so dizzy it can't see straight, and the Tetons will be charging echoes for a decade once she finally lets loose. That'll give them S. Idaho Marmons something to emulate.

HEY!!! MY daughter just called and she's expecting her second child!! I'm going to be a GRANDMA again!! That and a Prophet in just two days is almost more than any woman could ask for.

I'm really beside myself with the whole prophet thing. It's sort of anticlimactic because the fun was getting here, watching my title and authority get a little more important every day. It's sort of lonely at the top.

I think I'll give myself a new name, not like the generic one they give in the temple that everybody gets that day, but something befitting and then re-enlist as a sunbeam again. I miss the fishy crackers.

Ya'll could pretend you don't know me and I could make up a smashing bullshit back story, then proceed to secretly hit on BABB. That would send him for some loops. Might be fun. Hmmmm, any name suggestions that seem appropriate and intriguing?

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Pissing in the Mormon Koolaide one post at a time. LIE PINOCCHIO!!! LIE!!!!

Danassni?....naw, we already got a dan...and it sounds too watered down.

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Jesus save me......[from your followers]

See, if you take Dana and Insana and blend them, you come up with Ins-anaD, or insanity, or Dana Insana, but either way, they're a twisted pair. WHat if I tried a whole new personality? I could pretend to be one of those serious, thoughtful, pensive, maybe even sweet or kind type of gals. I've heard that folks really like girls like that. Crikey, it would be tough to write a whole post without swearing or some sexual innuendo. But what a challenge!!! DO you dare me??? Help me come up with a good back story.

I'd retire Elaine and come up with a little fairy or something really precious and too sweet to think anything evil or bad or say mean things about anyone or anything. I could pretend to be like Shirley Temple or something. Naaa, I'd look fat-ter in ruffles and bobby socks.

I can't even pretend to be scholarly so that's out. HEY!! I could pretend to be a Lesbian and hit on the ladies for once. That might be fun!!! A Butchy Mormon Lesbian Biker Dyke type. Yeah, and talk tough and spit and stuff. (I think that's what they do, isn't it?)

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Pissing in the Mormon Koolaide one post at a time. LIE PINOCCHIO!!! LIE!!!!